What Do You See?

This painting is the creative result of my attempt to help communication grow with those who know, and those who don’t know about the struggle between pride and trauma, unresolved in the minds of many combat veterans.

It is my hope that those who don’t yet understand what their loved ones are feeling and thinking can view this and start the conversation. I hope for better understanding and continued forgiveness to one’s self and each other. A reminder for both the civilian and the veteran, that we are all at different stages in our own journeys, while supporting each other. We often see and feel completely different things while looking at the same things at the same time.

I titled this painting “What Do You See” because I believe your answer to that exact question will land you on one side or the other… that you know, or you don’t. I also believe that asking your loved one this exact question provides the opportunity to better understand the others perception and perspective.

Not every member of the military had the same experiences. Each certainly does not live with the results of even the shared experiences in the same way. I choose to incorporate certain elements into this painting that I feel many can relate to. These are not inclusive to the divergence of emotional responses felt, as compared to what my friends and loved ones encounter. This certainly does represent many of my own experiences, and those of the veterans I remain in touch with. This art serves the purpose of demonstrating potent examples of seemingly every day sights.

Let me walk you around:

The American Flag

I remember the pride I felt seeing the American flag, high on the poles in sunlight as a child, as I am sure so many others do. It was a symbol of all the greatest things, and is now a reminder to me of the worst things that were done under that very banner. It is all too often now for many of us to see it at half mast, honoring the fallen, who lost their battle many years after the war, yet too early in life by any normal standard. The flag, in either position, represents more than words can describe and has the power at any moment to incite thoughts of how long it will be till it drapes over our own pine box.

Bald Eagles and A-10 Warthogs

Ah, the majestic bald eagle, soaring high as if it actually knows what it represents to the citizens below. I grew up in a part of the country where these impressive creatures were not rare, so every time we see them in flight or perched on guard I was reminded of their dominance and ability in the sky. Oh, the A-10 Warthog, doing just about the exact same thing as the eagle on all counts. I am absolutely sure anyone that was in theater has their own ‘eagle’ plane or chopper… mine happens to be the A-10 from our time spent living in the WWII barracks under the Pope AFB runways inside Fort Bragg, then living at Anaconda/Balad in Iraq.

Rising above the horizon

The purple mountain’s majesty… the beautiful, untouched and immovable mass of bedrock, reflected on crystalline water we undoubtedly associate with trust and security wherever we may freely go… until the desolate earth itself atomizes under your feet and the bedrock rides the shock wave straight through your soul, it is not always good to reflect on that.

Soldiers

To be, or even see, a freshly minted soldier, what an amazing feeling that is. If you were not the proud person willing to fight and die for your fellow countryman, you knew there was someone there to do it for you. How good life is. For every young man and woman we see joining now, we are reminded. We don’t just “remember the fallen”, we knew the fallen and will never forget them. Their look, their smell and their voices will always fill our heads. Thoughts drift to hoping that their heads will never fill the way yours does. That theirs will not be the grave site you will visit some day, well before their own time.

Fireworks and the Rockets Red Glare

Firework shows were one of the highlights of my childhood. Given that I was in fact born on the 4^th of July it was a double bonus. Triple the effect when I tell you that my father took our family up river on boat every yea, as close to the barge as we could to watch the ‘umbrellas’ unfold overhead. I thought I witnessed the best shows in my life, until I saw the real fireworks. The true rockets red glare and bombs bursting in air. To witness the absolute devastation on the receiving end afterwards is enough to make anyone’s perception shift.

What I would not give to even want to listen to the national anthem once again, or to be able to sit in peace on the nations holiday and my own birthday with my own family to share oohs and ahhs. I want to give them memories that don’t include watching dad check out or opt out of the celebration entirely.

The “Iraq Campaign Medal” was our award for participation.

The entire paintings color pallet is the color scheme relative to the campaign ribbon we earned serving in Iraq. During our careers, earned ribbons are added to our Class A chest plate like a visual resume. The concept for this entire project bloomed from the Iraq ribbon. During a rather long hike in the woods and a deep discussion with my wife about the difference of perception and perspective, I was sharing some of the examples that ended up in the painting with her. It felt good to openly articulate what happens when I see these iconic images now, the pride I used to feel and changes within.

Thinking about the ICM ribbon, the colors and our discussion, a visual manifestation of the final work rapidly developed inside me. I simply stopped on the trail and soaked in the idea. Over the next few miles I explained this painting to her without drawing a picture, which my friends will understand that’s a difficulty level 10 for me… anyway, as soon as we hit the trail head I did draw my picture (original shown).

It’s a Process, You’ll get there

That sketch happened almost three years ago and this painting has simply been the most difficult to complete, not just as an artistic expression, but in my own attempt to recover from PTSD. A lot of emotion was felt through this entire process. Time and again I had to stop to process memories, settle anxieties, relive thoughts and experiences then try to start again.

That part of my story is for another time, but I will say this:

I have learned, along with all the other combat veterans who suffer with post traumatic stress disorder, that recovery does not mean the symptoms simply vanish with a pill or single group session. PTSD will always be present in our lives in some form or another, we will always see what civilians do not, and we will not be perfect in how we handle our setbacks. We were trained on how to soldier by the military, and the big green machine failed to issue our ‘off switch’ at the end our service. The VA and many other organizations out there do offer the conversations, the training and the environment to at least dial it back some. I hope that anyone still suffering can muster that proven bravery they demonstrated on day one and call for help when you find yourself in the trenches again.

Framing it all up

In addition to the meditative qualities I found in painting, I have been making custom frames as I feel a work of art extends beyond the canvas, and the frame for this painting is no different. Okay, different in the fact that I made this with techniques I’ve just learned including using a chainsaw mill to harvest deadfall black walnut from our back yard, using a planer and mitering it all together with wood glue. I am really happy with how it turned out!